The Sum of Me

I was 7 years old when I decided that when I’ll be all grown up I’ll be an architect. The aesthetic of colors and structures combined to a practical vessel appealed to me, and I used to force my parents into taking me to long drives in posh neighborhoods and subscribing me to design magazines.

2 years later, inspired by a soap opera, I was all about being a fashion designer.

3,578,965 times since then I’ve changed my mind regarding my future career path.

100 percent of those options were, in one way or the other, related to the design field.

In a way, numbers and geometry just always made some sort of simple logical sense in my head. Maybe that’s why when I decided to major in fashion design at high school, and not in some computer related subject, 1 person told me I’m wasting my talent. It was my dad.

0 times I’ve regretted that decision since.

About 453 pieces of fabric create the latest quilt I’ve made for my niece.  4 months I’ve spent working on it.
And yet, every time I came up with a new idea to add to it and my sister tried to convince me I’m going too far and it’s claiming too much of my time, my standing respond was “We don’t aim for a 7!”

To my humble opinion, it turned out a 12… And I will force the poor kid to use it, till she’s 97.

Lots of people tried and failed to teach me how to knit. I was convinced I lack the ability to get it. 13 minutes video on YouTube in an internet cafe on a cold Berlin evening, proved me wrong.

Now a days I knit,  I sew and I cook, but I mainly sit with my iPad, burn my time on Pinterest, pin things I would like to do once I’ll actually get off the couch…

I know how to crochet, how to paint and I’m not afraid to use a hand drill. I can make jewelry, work with papier mâché, wet and needle felting and I can draw on wood with a soldering iron. I’m a certified make up artist, I’m really good with graphic design, I’m learning the ancient craft of tatting and I make the god damn best Lemon Curd you’ll ever taste…

But I can’t drive a regular shift for the life of me!

After wasting more then 7 years working in insignificant – unsatisfying – irrelevant jobs, and way too long wasting my time and avoiding pursuing what I really want, I was eager to find out the true direction in my fife. How come I love doing so many creative things, but cannot fully commit to 1 career choice?

160 Euro I paid to a career consultant to tell me that I shouldn’t choose. That I should find an area that combines all my loves and that will reflects all my creativeness.

I’m still searching what that exactly means for me, but without a doubt that was the best money I’ve ever spent.

3 years and 4 months had passed since my husband, my dog and myself left everything
behind and moved to Berlin. I’ve taken 3 intensive german courses, found friends, built a home and started a new life. But till now I haven’t taken any significant step towards my dreams.

And I still can’t speak german without a porn star accent…

A lot of people told me that sometimes dreams should stay as such. That the risk of failure just doesn’t worth it. That I should grow up, find a 9 to 5 job and leave those nonsense as they are. Just hobbies. That quitting these ideas will say nothing  bad about me.

For a long time I agreed with them, but I don’t anymore.

I don’t know about theirs, but my dreams are meant to be followed, and achieving them says everything about me.

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So, this is me.
The Sum of me.
And I really hope you would like it.
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